For the past 20 plus years despite health issues I have been able to do what I have wanted. In high school I wasn't the fasted on the team which was fine but I was always reliable for points at every meet to help my team. I worked hard and I wasn't great but I'm comfortable with saying I was good.
The past few months however have been dramatically different. I am starting to feel how all the years of check ups said I was supposed to be feeling. My health I believe is finally at the beginning of the end. I feel like Sampson getting his hair cut off and suddenly losing all his strength.
I keep telling myself "Oh you're just out of shape." (Which is true) But it's more than that. I go out to swim or bike and there's just nothing there. The quality of my work has significantly dropped during this time and am now cutting back hours. I've got a pounding headache most of the time, I've lost over 30 pounds...But the hardest thing of all is when I have one of my nephews tugging on my shorts wanting me to chase them or go play, and looking at their sweet innocent smiling faces and tell them no. Immediately turning there smiles into heartbreaking faces that say "Why? Don't you love me?"
For now the story is not finished but I'm not sure what the future will write...
I'm sure the first words out of the Dr.'s mouth when I was born weren't "It's a swimmer!", nevertheless that was life's ultimate plan for the years ahead. All growing up we spent summers in our grandma's pool and for a lot of us Gram would be our first coach. With my brother and sister along with cousins we would learn basic technique and the water became our second home. 'Reunions' were weekly if not daily. Swimming was my first love but sometimes life forces us to give up the things we love. At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure, more specifically Prune Belly; A kidney disease effecting 1 in 40,000. Attacking the immune system, reducing energy, and holding kidney function at 12-14% getting out of bed in the morning is nothing short of a miracle and everyday truely a blessing. When I was a Jr. in high school my swimming times began to slip and at first I didn't pay it much attention but I soon realized I was headed down a difficult road, a road that only went in one direction. Physically I didn't feel any different and for the next several weeks I wrestled with myself as I practiced. "Should I stay? Is it worth it anymore? What about the team?" Failure was knocking at my door and threatening what I loved. Without my hand on the knob the door opened and passion died. There was a moment standing waist deep in the water inbetween sets, everything slowed down and reality settled in my heart and sank to the bottom of the pool. Failure was not a choice but something I had to accept...or so I thought. For years after quiting the team I was bitter and angry, I didn't want to swim or even hear about swimming. I dont think my family understood where I was and quite frankly neither did I. Part of me died when I left and for those who have had a broken heart for whatever reason understand what I mean. Somewhere along the way my brother started to dabble in triathlons and other athletic events, soon my sister joined and before I knew it I had been sucked in as well. Emersed in a new journey, high school was in the past and another chapter in life was starting. Bitterness melted away and anger faded. "If you love something, set it free..." I don't recall who originally said this but for me this came true. I had a renewed love and a refined understanding and acceptance of the past. I moved on and gained a burning desire to rise above circumstance. Before I layed down and didn't fight, life will always find ways to knock us down but we only lose when we give up or give in. I'll push through the pain, I'll kick a little longer, I'll reach a little farther...I'll swim towards redemption
