6-21-12
Thursday I was excited to be getting back into the water, all day I watched the clocked waiting impatiently until it was time to leave. As is always the case I spent the day day dreaming about how far I would go thinking that a mile would be too easy, after all I'd done it many times in my "career", and that I'd possibly go for two. I knew I was out of shape before even getting in the car not doing anything for at least seven months, and not "in shape" when I stopped, but nevertheless was unswayed and confident that I'd reach my goal. I was sorely mistaken.
I like to think that I don't give up easily or quit very often, and I suppose every situation is different on how you'd define either result. I don't take falling short very well and unfortunately at least from my perspective when I don't accomplish a goal it's typically a result of several obstacles, whether mere annoyances or major concerns. When do you push it, and when do you surrender and come back?
I didn't reach my goal by at least 1.5 miles, but I didn't give up I surrendered to my weakened body. On my way back to shore I was already drawing up plans in my mind on how to get back in shape to where I can do what I want. The steps will be small and the road long, but the reward for perseverance sweet.
I'm sure the first words out of the Dr.'s mouth when I was born weren't "It's a swimmer!", nevertheless that was life's ultimate plan for the years ahead. All growing up we spent summers in our grandma's pool and for a lot of us Gram would be our first coach. With my brother and sister along with cousins we would learn basic technique and the water became our second home. 'Reunions' were weekly if not daily. Swimming was my first love but sometimes life forces us to give up the things we love. At the age of 3 I was diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure, more specifically Prune Belly; A kidney disease effecting 1 in 40,000. Attacking the immune system, reducing energy, and holding kidney function at 12-14% getting out of bed in the morning is nothing short of a miracle and everyday truely a blessing. When I was a Jr. in high school my swimming times began to slip and at first I didn't pay it much attention but I soon realized I was headed down a difficult road, a road that only went in one direction. Physically I didn't feel any different and for the next several weeks I wrestled with myself as I practiced. "Should I stay? Is it worth it anymore? What about the team?" Failure was knocking at my door and threatening what I loved. Without my hand on the knob the door opened and passion died. There was a moment standing waist deep in the water inbetween sets, everything slowed down and reality settled in my heart and sank to the bottom of the pool. Failure was not a choice but something I had to accept...or so I thought. For years after quiting the team I was bitter and angry, I didn't want to swim or even hear about swimming. I dont think my family understood where I was and quite frankly neither did I. Part of me died when I left and for those who have had a broken heart for whatever reason understand what I mean. Somewhere along the way my brother started to dabble in triathlons and other athletic events, soon my sister joined and before I knew it I had been sucked in as well. Emersed in a new journey, high school was in the past and another chapter in life was starting. Bitterness melted away and anger faded. "If you love something, set it free..." I don't recall who originally said this but for me this came true. I had a renewed love and a refined understanding and acceptance of the past. I moved on and gained a burning desire to rise above circumstance. Before I layed down and didn't fight, life will always find ways to knock us down but we only lose when we give up or give in. I'll push through the pain, I'll kick a little longer, I'll reach a little farther...I'll swim towards redemption
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